Magical Moments

In the midst of still battling this infernal cold-turned-sinusitis-turned-chest-infection (5 weeks and counting), there have been some truly magical moments.

We had an appointment with the midwife on 7^th December and were able to listen to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time! It’s a pretty incredible thing to hear – yet more proof that there really is a baby growing in there. She kept apologising that it was so quiet, but it was definitely loud and clear enough for us to hear!

Two days later, we went for a private scan to find out the sex of the baby. Opinion has been divided on this, when we told people what we were doing. Quite a few people (our midwife included) don’t understand why we would pay for a scan when we’re going to find out the same information at the 20 week NHS scan and yes, I can totally see why people would think that.

Maybe it would have been easier to be patient if we’d conceived naturally and quickly. Maybe not. I honestly have no idea how much the experiences with IVF have influenced how we view this pregnancy.

All I know is that the idea of having to wait until the 20 week scan to see our baby again was too long!

We paid £80 and had an absolutely wonderful experience. For that money, we had a relaxed 30 minute scan, switching between 2D and the 4D view, were given 6 photos to take home and a DVD of the scan so we can watch our baby moving around whenever we want! My husband’s brother and his girlfriend came to watch the scan too and it was amazing to be able to involve them.

I have no regrets about paying for an extra scan.

Our baby at 16 weeks and 5 days!

According to the sonographer, we’re having a very wriggly, tactile, baby boy!

He has wonderful long legs that wouldn’t stop kicking around, and he kept stretching out, rubbing his eyes and sucking his thumb. Maybe my favourite moments though were when he held the umbilical cord to his body with one hand and started stroking it with the other, and when at the end of the scan, he started to nuzzle against the side of the amniotic sac/womb/whichever part it is that he could actually lean against and squeeze up against it.

I think he’s going to be a very cuddly baby!

Of course, until we’ve had confirmation at the 20 week scan that the baby is a boy, we aren’t going to start calling him by the name we’ve chosen, or buy too many ‘boy’ things but I suspect that the sonographer was right.

Another magical moment was in my last week at work before the Christmas holiday, walking into the toilets and seeing my lovely bump! It was the first moment when I’ve genuinely felt that I look pregnant, rather than that I’ve eaten too much! Can’t stop looking at it now or rubbing the part where I know the baby is, wondering if he knows I’m there.

A real bump that is clearly a bump! I love it! (Photo taken in the toilets at work - I couldn't wait until I got home to take a photo because I was far too excited!)

The final incredible thing worth a mention was that on the Thursday before Christmas and then again on Christmas day, I felt him move! It’s so hard to explain how it felt, but I know it was that because it felt like nothing I’ve ever known before.

It felt a little like raindrops splashing on the inside of my tummy. Weird description but I can’t think of any other way to say it!

I know it is still early to be feeling something (I’m 19 weeks and 4 days today) and that many women on their first pregnancy won’t feel movement for a while, so I don’t expect it to be a regular or strong feeling yet, but it was truly amazing and I can’t wait to feel it again!

Symptoms, scans and something-of-a-bump!

So a lot has happened in the past few weeks!

Being discharged from the fertility clinic was actually quite scary. Despite how daunting it can be going through fertility treatment, the staff at the clinic always made sure that the next steps were clearly explained, we knew who to call if we had questions or worries, and the familiar faces that we saw each time were a comfort.

Starting out somewhere new is scary! No matter how much I’d read online about what to expect from appointments, it’s been a massive source of anxiety for me.

What would my midwife be like? Would I be lectured for my weight? Would staff know much about the IVF process we’d been through?

First answer – my midwife seems lovely. She’s a tiny lady from Yorkshire, is nearing retirement and only works 2 days a week. Only issue was that she calculated my due date incorrectly, but this has since been sorted out so I’m not worried.

Second answer – neither my midwife, nor the doctor I saw at the hospital seem concerned about my weight. The doctor’s exact words were “honestly, you’re not that big!”

Third answer – still to be determined how much people know about IVF, but thankfully so far, they all seem to be taking my word for it when I’ve given them the information, and everyone is very excited when they realise that this is our first cycle.

In terms of symptoms, I’ve actually had a fairly easy time of it so far this pregnancy. The most overwhelming thing has been the tiredness.

Bone-deep, utter exhaustion.

I don’t know how to explain the extent of the tiredness to someone who’s never experienced it! I suppose the closest comparison is the complete lack of energy and inability to move that you get when you have the flu.

Nausea has been my constant companion for about 5 weeks now, but I’ve only actually been sick 3 times, so it could have been a lot worse!

Sore boobs? Ceaseless!

Appetite? Totally gone for a while but slowly starting to return now.

Like I say, it’s actually been relatively easy for me, aside from the tiredness.

This all, of course, leads me to yesterday. Yesterday, I had my “12 week” scan (yes, I know I’m actually 13 weeks – give me a chance!).

For those who don’t know, what is colloquially called the 12 week scan can actually take place anywhere between 11 and 14 weeks. Its purpose is to check that the baby is developing properly, determine a due date, and to screen for conditions such as Down’s Syndrome.

For me, the due date was pretty much a formality because there can be no confusion or uncertainty around when the egg was fertilised – we even have laboratory evidence to prove the date! Still, it was reassuring when the sonographer said that she’d put me at 13 weeks and 1 day, which fits perfectly with the IVF dates.

Nothing could have prepared me for that scan.

I figured it wouldn’t be that emotional, given that I’d already had a scan at 7 weeks.

Oooh boy, was I wrong!

First emotion – relief when I saw the baby was still there!

Second emotion – anxiety until I noticed the little flickery heart.

My baby!

Third emotion – there is no word in English for how it felt when the baby suddenly started moving around. Absolutely incredible, magical… these, and other clichés, are the only way I can explain it but they don’t even come close.

I could have watched it wriggling around all day.

Fourth emotion – excitement. Obvious, I know, but feeling that made me realise something.

Until this point, as happy and relieved as I’ve been, I haven’t actually been letting myself feel excited about this baby. Possibly because it’s been through IVF, I’ve been unable to relax and let myself believe it’s actually happening.

I haven’t had any cramps, spotting, or other terrifying symptoms, so logically I knew that the baby was still there, but I’ve heard so many horror stories of getting to the 12 week scan and there being no heartbeat, that I had almost convinced myself that’s what would happen to us.

“Can we buy things for it yet?”

“No”

“Can we tell people yet?”

“No”

“Do you want to go and look at baby clothes when we go shopping?”

“No”

No matter who asked me (all those questions have come from multiple sources), my answer was always no. I desperately wanted to be excited and buy things. I wanted to look at baby things. I wanted to be able to tell everyone.

All I could think was that if we did tell more people, that would simply be more people to tell if we got to the scan and things had gone horribly wrong.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful and understanding family, who completely understood why I was determined to wait until after the scan!

After living with those feelings for a few weeks, they had become totally normal and I barely even noticed that I was having them, so it was a bit of a revelation to realise just how little I’d been allowing myself to enjoy the pregnancy so far!

Well no longer!

Now, I’m buzzing! I’m telling everyone! I can’t stop staring at our scan photos!

Tiny nose, long legs, absolutely beautiful already 💖

Little bit, slightly, somewhat of a bump, there!

I finally feel pregnant and actually… I’m starting to look it!

First scan

9 + 3

That’s officially me!

(Ooh accidental rhyme).

It’s a little late but things have been rather exhausting for the last few weeks – on Wednesday 2 weeks ago (4^th October), I was officially discharged from the fertility clinic and am now 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant!

For most natural pregnancies, the first scan takes place at 12 weeks but as this has been through IVF, the clinic had to do a scan at 7 weeks. This is for a number of reasons, including the need to confirm that a bun is indeed in the oven, how many buns, and whether it has implanted in the correct place.

If all is well, you’re discharged into the main maternity system.

So, all is well with me!

On that Wednesday, I saw my baby for the first time. It’s really there! All tiny and implanted in the right place, with a tiny flickering heart!

There it is! The black area is the amniotic sac and inside that, is the little bean-shaped, curled up baby!

Honestly, it felt so incredible and surreal that I still can’t quite believe it really happened.

I think the strangest moment was when the nurse called it ‘the baby’ rather than ‘the embryo’. All along, everything has been about the eggs, then embryos – this was the first time that one of the healthcare professionals has actually called it a baby.

Wow.

We’re having a baby!