Wow, what an incredible 4 months it’s been! I sometimes can’t
believe Henry’s 4 months already (19 weeks and 3 days, to be precise) because
it’s going so quickly, and at other times, it feels as if he’s been with us
forever. I’m sure most parents are familiar with that feeling!
I know I’m biased but we really have been lucky. He’s a
brilliant baby – he sleeps well at night, he took to breastfeeding easily, and
he’s very chatty and giggly. The only issue has been his reflux, prompting my
husband to ask (after a particularly explosive reflux session, getting through
6 outfits within 10 minutes), “Reckon we can return him to the fertility clinic
and get our money back? Tell them that this one’s defective; he keeps leaking!”
For anyone suddenly concerned – yes, he was joking!
In short, parenthood is amazing and so far, nothing in the
world can beat the feeling when Henry smiles and giggles at me.
So why did I suddenly feel overwhelmingly sad a few weeks
ago?
It wasn’t constant. It wasn’t all encompassing. It didn’t
make me feel anything negative towards Henry.
But still, I felt sad.
And guilty!
After everything we’d been through to have Henry! All the
worries; the pressures and fear; the money; the medication I had to inject; the
incredible excitement when we realised the IVF had actually worked!
Why was I feeling sad?
I worked out pretty quickly that I wasn’t sad about Henry in
any way.
I talked with my husband about it and I talked with my
friend about it (she’s had 4 children – if anyone could relate, I knew it would
be her!), and after a lot of soul searching, it became clear that I was worried
about losing myself.
I realised I don’t want to be ‘Henry’s Mum’ - I want to be ‘Emma,
who is Henry’s Mum’.
I don’t know if that distinction makes sense or seems
important to anyone but me.
Of course Henry is always going to come first in my life
now, but that doesn’t mean I’m not myself anymore and I realised that I needed
to start making some time for things that make me Emma.
If someone asked me what hobbies my husband enjoys doing, I’d
tell them photography, playing his guitar, and woodworking. If someone asked my
husband what hobbies I have, he’d probably tell them drawing and doing
crafty things (knitting, sewing, etc).
Except, actually, I haven’t done anything in a long time.
How long had it been since I read (and finished) a novel? I couldn’t
remember!
How long since I’d drawn something just because I wanted to,
not for a gift? I think it was when I drew Sam Carter (bonus points for those
who know who that is) back in 2015.
When did I last write for the fun of it, aside from this
blog which is more like therapy? Again, I couldn’t remember.
Some of that is just life as an adult getting in the way, but the
more I thought about it, the more I realised that I’d been focused on “baby”
for so long, that I’d completely neglected myself. Obviously once you’re
pregnant, everything tends to become about getting ready for the baby, and
rightfully so, but I don’t think it had occurred to me just how much I’d been
all about the baby before I was even pregnant.
We made the decision in December 2016 that I’d go to the doctor in
January about not being able to fall pregnant, and from that moment on,
everything in my head became about this. Operation Parent. I was desperate and determined.
Appointments, tests, scans, keeping diaries of when things
happened, then the surgery and IVF itself – I lived it completely. I was IVF
Emma, and that left very little room in my head for regular Emma.
Tunnel vision!
So I’ve made a promise to myself that I’m going to make some time
for me to be me.
I’ve got some books to read when Henry is napping, or has gone to
sleep in the evening – I’ve already finished one! My lovely husband has bought
me some bath bombs (I hate bubbles in a bath but fill it with fizzy pink
sparkles and I’m all over it), and I’ve just started going to tap dancing
lessons.
I feel better already! When I arrived home from my Tap lesson last night, my husband commented that I looked refreshed. He was right! Exhausted and sweaty of course, but definitely refreshed.
So my message to anyone out there who’s pregnant or has just had a
baby, is to still make time for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing –
it can be as small as reading a chapter of a book while the baby is napping,
but it’s so important to remember that you’re an individual too, not just a
parent.
It doesn’t make you a bad parent to want a bit of time for you!
