I’m going to begin today’s blog post by giving you a bit of
a disclaimer in the form of some details about myself (sorry, those of you who
actually know me and therefore know all of this anyway).
I am a straight, white, married woman in her late 20s, who
owns her own home, and works in a professional career. I have an epileptic dog,
I own a car, I’m a member of the National Trust, I’m a Labour voter (sorry Lib
Dems - once bitten, twice shy, and all that).
Clearly, I have no need to be complaining about
representation of people who remind me of myself in the media – plenty of
straight, white women with careers and houses in film and tv! Once you dig a
bit deeper into my life though, there is one area where I do not believe that
people ‘like me’ are represented very well at all, and that is fertility.
As anyone who has read this blog from the beginning will
know, I’m classed as ‘subfertile’, meaning that it is possible for me to
conceive and carry a child, but only
through medical intervention and assistance. Put another way, had I been trying
to have a baby 50 years ago, it would never have happened!
Going through this fertility rollercoaster of the past
almost 2 years (which I know is relatively short compared to the struggles gone
through by some couples), has made my hyper-aware of how conception, pregnancy
and fertility are portrayed on television.
I plan to talk about storylines from tv shows both older and
recent, and while I’m sure most will know of these storylines, I’m aware that
some people could be watching an older tv show (by this I mean something that
is off the air now) for the first time through and not want to be spoiled!
Disclaimer 2: I am by no means claiming to be an authority
on fertility storylines in the media and I know there will probably be shows
that have dealt with it well, that I have never seen. This is purely a
commentary of how I have been made to feel through the way fertility has been
portrayed in shows that I have watched.
SPOILERS AND SPECULATION AHEAD! Do not read on if you are
bothered about discussion of storylines in:
Game of Thrones
Gilmore Girls/Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life
Call the Midwife
Friends
Jane the Virgin
Star Trek Deep Space Nine
Ok…
You were warned…
Oddly enough, the storyline that initially sparked this blog post has
not actually happened yet. At this point, it’s pure speculation!
So why, I hear you ask yourself, am I including something that might
not even happen?
Simply put, having seen the show and the oh-so-unsubtle foreshadowing
(about as subtle as a glowing neon billboard) I’m about 99% convinced that this
storyline is going to happen. If it
doesn’t, then I will be more than happy to take back everything I am about to
say about this particular show and story.
I am talking, of course, about Game of Thrones and the latest
developments with Daenerys and Jon Snow. When last we left our incestuous duo,
they were consummating their new relationship, blissfully unaware of the fact
that they are in fact, aunt and nephew.
Wonderful.
Anyway, leaving aside any familial connection that makes this
relationship extra squicky, the issue that I’m having is the fan speculation
that their union will result in a baby. Numerous mentions have been made in the
latest season about Daenerys’ need of an heir, and questions (from Jon Snow)
about whether she actually has any proof she is unable to have children.
All this has led the fans to (I suspect rightly) predict that Daenerys
will end up pregnant. Whether the explanation will be that she was never
infertile and just previously unlucky, or that it is some kind of magic where only Jon
will be able to give her a child, is anyone’s guess.
I just can’t help feeling betrayed. Daenerys has never been my
favourite character, but since beginning our fertility journey, I have been
fiercely proud of the way that the character has handled her infertility over
the seasons of the show. Speaking as someone who’s biggest fear has been
infertility since before I can remember, it gave me strength to see a strong
woman being unashamed of the fact she cannot have children. She didn’t let it
change her plans, she was upfront with people about it.
Now, that could all be undone.
I know that it could be argued that storylines where someone has
struggled for a baby and then finally gets one, could give people hope. The
problem is that this simply isn’t realistic.
(Yes, talking about realism whilst discussing a show that has dragons…)
Television is awash with storylines of unwanted, unexpected and
inconvenient pregnancies, but the
reality is that there are some women, some couples out there who are desperate
for a child and WILL NEVER HAVE ONE. The simple truth is that despite how far
science has come, medical intervention in conception fails more than it
succeeds.
My husband and I have been incredibly – outstandingly – lucky. Our IVF
has worked. For many people though, this is not going to be their story.
For people who are facing the prospect of never being able to have
children, while stories that give hope can be wonderful and so appreciated in a
time of emotional struggle, what is also needed, I believe, are stories that
show that it actually isn’t going to be the end of the world if it doesn’t
happen. Stories that show how hard it can be to come to terms with being
childless, but where ultimately the characters are able to accept it and get
through it, moving on with their lives. It could be that they accept never
being parents, it could be that they choose another route, such as surrogacy or
adoption. Either way, it is the kind of storyline that can resonate with
couples facing infertility.
A television show that did this particularly well, on more than one occasion, is Friends. I have many problems with
Friends – I think a lot of the jokes have not aged very well at all (fat
shaming, slut shaming, mocking men for femininity, to name but a
few) but I can honestly say that when thinking about shows that dealt with
fertility issues in a confident, sympathetic and meaningful way, this was at
the top of my list. And my sister’s list. And any friends I asked.
The first occasion on Friends was when Phoebe’s brother, Frank Jr, and
his wife Alice are unable to have children naturally. Due to Alice’s age,
although the eggs would be hers, she would not be able to carry the child, so
Phoebe steps in as a surrogate.
This storyline was introduced because Lisa Kudrow had just announced
that she was pregnant, and initially the writers and producers were unsure how
to include her pregnancy. They thought that it might be derided by fans as a
ridiculous idea and “too wacky even for Phoebe.”
On the contrary, this storyline was sympathetic to the characters,
incredibly emotional, and absolutely the kind of selfless thing that Phoebe
would do.
The time when she discovers how much the procedure is costing Frank and
Alice, and the low success rate of 25%, is beautiful in the shock and emotion
of the moment. For IVF patients, high costs and low chances of success are
something we have all had to deal with, so those two considerations actually
being addressed and discussed is significant.
The second fertility issue in Friends is of course, Monica and
Chandler’s struggle for a baby. At the end of season 8, in the episode where
Rachel gives birth to Emma, Monica and Chandler decide they would like to start
trying for a baby.
Like many real-life couples, they begin with high hopes and the
assumption that it will happen soon (after all – Emma was the result of a one
night stand). And like so many real-life couples, it soon becomes apparent that
their journey towards parenthood is not going to be easy.
Monica is a character that has always wanted to be a parent and I think
this is an important point to note. She didn’t suddenly decide she wanted a
baby just so they could include the infertility storyline – she had always
wanted children, throughout the entire show. Like so many women out there, she
was desperate for a child and it had never crossed her mind that she wouldn’t get that!
It would have been very easy for the showrunners to give Monica and
Chandler a miracle pregnancy once Courtney Cox fell pregnant but I am SO glad
they didn’t. Miracle pregnancies are rare when people have such severe
fertility issues.
They stuck to their storyline and continued with the adoption, choosing
instead to hide the actress’ pregnancy.
 |
| Monica (played by a pregnant Courtney Cox) and Chandler at the birth of their babies. |
Well done. Honestly, well done.
On the other hand, a show that I would have expected to deal well with
fertility issues is Call the Midwife. Generally, I have found their handling of
sensitive issues to be incredibly sympathetic and caring, and although the
storyline of Shelagh’s fertility begins well, it ends with a case of miracle
pregnancy.
In season 2 of Call the Midwife, Shelagh (then called Sister
Bernadette) discovers that she has tuberculosis, but recovers well from this
and leaves her life as a nun to marry Dr Turner. In season 3, when Dr Turner
and Shelagh begin to try for a baby, there is a heartbreaking episode when
Shelagh believes that she has fallen pregnant, only to later find out that she
isn’t. Unfortunately, the tuberculosis had damaged her fallopian tubes, meaning
she would not be able to fall pregnant.
Eventually, in a wonderfully written and acted storyline, the couple
accept that they will not be able to have a biological child of their own, so
adopt a daughter. This process is not easy for them, and the acceptance of baby
Angela as part of their family is lovely. It would have been the perfect ending
to an at-times harrowing, but ultimately heart-warming story of overcoming
fertility problems.
 |
| The moment at the orphanage when Shelagh and Dr Turner meet their daughter, Angela, for the first time. I cried. Lots. |
Then Shelagh fell pregnant naturally and, after an admittedly difficult
pregnancy, gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
Yes, it’s the ending that many couples struggling to conceive may hope
will be theirs, but when you have damaged fallopian tubes, a natural pregnancy
with no medical intervention is so unlikely. Maybe I’m oversensitive to this,
but given how well the show has depicted so many other issues, I find it
disappointing that the showrunners would go down the route of the miracle
pregnancy.
To be clear, I don’t have any problem with a television couple who have
struggled to conceive, being able to eventually have a child. I just wish that
there were fewer cases of the miracle pregnancy and more of the realistic
‘needed-medical-intervention-to-get-there’ pregnancies.
I could honestly go on and on about the different ways tv has handled
fertility, but to avoid repeating points across different shows, I’ll be brief.
Handled well:
Friends – As discussed
above.
Star Trek Deep Space Nine –
In later seasons, Dax and Worf decide they would like to try for a baby, but
their physiology (being from two alien species) means it is likely to be
extremely difficult to conceive a viable pregnancy. They enlist the help of the
Doctor, who researches and runs tests, before believing he’s found something
that might help them. Unfortunately we never get to see the result of this due
to SPOILERS but I think the storyline was sensitively done up to that point.
Started well but (potentially) disappointing:
Game of Thrones – As
discussed above.
Call the Midwife – As
discussed above.
Handled badly:
Jane the Virgin – At the
start of Jane the Virgin, a drunk doctor mixes up Jane, who is there for a
smear test and Petra, who is at the doctor to be inseminated with her husband’s
frozen sperm (he previously had cancer and had sperm frozen before his
treatment). Jane is accidentally inseminated and of course, falls pregnant. I
understand that for the whole show to work, this had to be the storyline, and
soon the writers make sure we know that Petra is not a good person and her
relationship with her husband is on the rocks, but honestly, that doesn’t make
this any better. A young couple’s only chance of having children together due
to his now infertility is squandered because a drunk doctor accidentally
inseminates someone else with the sperm. I’m not even going to explain why that
makes me angry. It should be obvious.
Gilmore Girls– One of my
favourite tv shows, so it pains me to put is in this category, but
unfortunately the one thing it really doesn’t do well are fertility problems.
After Sookie gives birth to her second child, she sends her husband, Jackson,
to have a vasectomy so that they cannot have any more children. Problem 1: She
does this against his wishes. Problem 2: He doesn’t go through with it but
tells her that he did. Problem 3: She believes he is now infertile so comes off
the pill without bothering to tell him. Result: Another baby. I do consider
this to be a fertility issue, as one half of a couple believes the other to be
infertile and as such doesn’t take the necessary precautions. As much as I can
see the comedy value in her husband realising she’s pregnant before she does
because he’s the only one who knows it’s possible, it really disappointed me
that the show went in this direction, because honest and open communication is
so important, especially about reproductive issues!
Gilmore Girls: A Year In The
Life – At the start of these 4 episodes, we learn that Lorelai and Luke are
considering surrogacy to enable them to have a child together. I initially
liked this idea, because the age of the characters would mean that it would be
unrealistic for them to have a child naturally. Unfortunately, I felt that the
way the storyline was handled was incredible insensitive. Luke suddenly became
stupid, unable to understand the process and didn’t seem to be taking the whole
thing seriously at all. Lorelai suddenly became emotionally detached from it. I
didn’t get the impression that they were a team about it, or really knew what
they would be letting themselves in for, and this is such a shame because
they’re a wonderful couple who were supposed to have worked through those
communication issues in the original series. Infertility, whether due to the kind
of medical issues I have, or age like Lorelai, is something that needs to be
taken seriously by the people involved and treatment CANNOT be undertaken if
communication between partners is not clear. I suppose I just felt like this
storyline was being used for the laughs at Luke’s repeated belief he had to
sleep with the surrogate.
Well this has been a very long post and I suspect I lost some of you
along the way so if you did make it to this point – congratulations!
I know that representation of fertility issues is not hot on the agenda
of tv showrunners at the moment and there are a lot bigger representation
problems to be solved, but I do think that it doesn’t take very much to
highlight the issues in a sensitive way. Deep
Space Nine made very little of the story, but did it well. Friends made it
into larger storylines, but did so in a way that kept the comedy and
entertainment without cheapening the issue of infertility.
It can be done.
Going through fertility problems is stressful, exhausting and lonely.
Sometimes just one character or story that you can relate to can bring so much
comfort. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that television writers consider
that when they think of these storylines.
