So a lot has happened in the past few weeks!
Being discharged from the fertility clinic was actually
quite scary. Despite how daunting it can be going through fertility treatment,
the staff at the clinic always made sure that the next steps were clearly
explained, we knew who to call if we had questions or worries, and the familiar
faces that we saw each time were a comfort.
Starting out somewhere new is scary! No matter how much I’d
read online about what to expect from appointments, it’s been a massive source
of anxiety for me.
What would my midwife be like? Would I be lectured for my
weight? Would staff know much about the IVF process we’d been through?
First answer – my midwife seems lovely. She’s a tiny lady
from Yorkshire, is nearing retirement and only works 2 days a week. Only issue
was that she calculated my due date incorrectly, but this has since been sorted
out so I’m not worried.
Second answer – neither my midwife, nor the doctor I saw at
the hospital seem concerned about my weight. The doctor’s exact words were
“honestly, you’re not that big!”
Third answer – still to be determined how much people know
about IVF, but thankfully so far, they all seem to be taking my word for it
when I’ve given them the information, and everyone is very excited when they
realise that this is our first cycle.
In terms of symptoms, I’ve actually had a fairly easy time
of it so far this pregnancy. The most overwhelming thing has been the
tiredness.
Bone-deep, utter exhaustion.
I don’t know how to explain the extent of the tiredness to
someone who’s never experienced it! I suppose the closest comparison is the
complete lack of energy and inability to move that you get when you have the
flu.
Nausea has been my constant companion for about 5 weeks now,
but I’ve only actually been sick 3 times, so it could have been a lot worse!
Sore boobs? Ceaseless!
Appetite? Totally gone for a while but slowly starting to
return now.
Like I say, it’s actually been relatively easy for me, aside
from the tiredness.
This all, of course, leads me to yesterday. Yesterday, I had
my “12 week” scan (yes, I know I’m actually 13 weeks – give me a chance!).
For those who don’t know, what is colloquially called the 12
week scan can actually take place anywhere between 11 and 14 weeks. Its purpose
is to check that the baby is developing properly, determine a due date, and to
screen for conditions such as Down’s Syndrome.
For me, the due date was pretty much a formality because
there can be no confusion or uncertainty around when the egg was fertilised –
we even have laboratory evidence to prove the date! Still, it was reassuring
when the sonographer said that she’d put me at 13 weeks and 1 day, which fits perfectly with the IVF dates.
Nothing could have prepared me for that scan.
I figured it wouldn’t be that emotional, given that I’d
already had a scan at 7 weeks.
Oooh boy, was I wrong!
First emotion – relief when I saw the baby was still there!
Second emotion – anxiety until I noticed the little flickery
heart.
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| My baby! |
Third emotion – there is no word in English for how it felt
when the baby suddenly started moving around. Absolutely incredible, magical…
these, and other clichés, are the only way I can explain it but they don’t even
come close.
I could have watched it wriggling around all day.
Fourth emotion – excitement. Obvious, I know, but feeling
that made me realise something.
Until this point, as happy and relieved as I’ve been, I
haven’t actually been letting myself feel excited about this baby. Possibly
because it’s been through IVF, I’ve been unable to relax and let myself believe
it’s actually happening.
I haven’t had any cramps, spotting, or other terrifying
symptoms, so logically I knew that the baby was still there, but I’ve heard so
many horror stories of getting to the 12 week scan and there being no
heartbeat, that I had almost convinced myself that’s what would happen to us.
“Can we buy things for it yet?”
“No”
“Can we tell people yet?”
“No”
“Do you want to go and look at baby clothes when we go
shopping?”
“No”
No matter who asked me (all those questions have come from
multiple sources), my answer was always no. I desperately wanted to be excited
and buy things. I wanted to look at baby things. I wanted to be able to tell
everyone.
All I could think was that if we did tell more people, that
would simply be more people to tell if we got to the scan and things had gone
horribly wrong.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful and understanding family, who
completely understood why I was determined to wait until after the scan!
After living with those feelings for a few weeks, they had
become totally normal and I barely even noticed that I was having them, so it
was a bit of a revelation to realise just how little I’d been allowing myself
to enjoy the pregnancy so far!
Well no longer!
Now, I’m buzzing! I’m telling everyone! I can’t stop staring
at our scan photos!
Tiny nose, long legs, absolutely beautiful already 💖
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| Little bit, slightly, somewhat of a bump, there! |
I finally feel pregnant and actually… I’m starting to look
it!
